In a discovery that throws light on the very nature of mankind, a new aspect of grace has been discovered that is consistent with the long-sworn truths of Church fathers.
Making one of the most anticipated announcements in modern Christianity tonight, theologians convening at the world's largest, and therefore best, religious conference near Rome announced that they had observed a new face of God Himself during their deliberations. They have also commissioned computer models to help the Less Fortunate visualize what this face looks like to those trained in advanced theology.
"We have reached a milestone in our understanding of the spiritual world," Humilitus Maximus, resident High Interrogator for the Team of Deifacial Inquiry, said.
More funding, however, will be needed to pin down the exact nature of the discovery, and determine how it can aid in the creation of faster computer guidance chips, more penetrative munitions, and updated, more insightful versions of the spiritual texts of old.
"This discovery is the most massive image of God's face ever seen," a scientist said. "Although it occurs on a subatomic level, I say 'more massive' to indicate that my understanding of 'mass' is superior to that of every other theologian, or scientist, on the planet. This image is far more 'massive,' than, say, 'a human being,' 'Jupiter' or 'a 1996 Toyota Tacoma.' We're not sure how many more of these images are out there, but there may be countless of them scattered throughout the world. Which does not change how massive or un-massive they are. This particular one, though, is definitely more massive than any other image."
"This is indeed a new image," the Great Incandescent Joseph, spokesman for the CRW detector, said. "The implications are very significant and it is precisely for this reason that we must be extremely diligent in all our studies and cross-checks. Please understand that when I say 'new,' I mean that these images have never been there before. Until we convened this conference to analyze them, they did not exist, okay? That's what I mean by 'new.' Look it up, people. It's new."
The God Image is the last undiscovered image predicted to exist by the Standard Christian Model that theologians have been hunting for almost 50 years. Now that the Model is complete, all of our problems are solved.
It is thought to give all other images their spiritual meaning, and some have dubbed it the "God Image" because of its importance, to the annoyance of unspecified theologians who have not identified themselves or asked to be quoted or permitted their identities to become known even though they were, really--they swear--annoyed by this extra publicity and did nothing to encourage it. They were not able to be reached about their annoyance and asked not to be contacted.
Teams of scholars will now look to see if the new image is the one predicted by the Standard Model (TM).
On the other hand, it could turn out to be and even more exotic version. (Oops--we mean "an." We don't make errors in mere words when our province is the Kingdom of God, the Image of God, and all of His Particles predicted by the Standard Christian Model.)
If this case, it would be a profound discovery, creating a revolution in spirituality, theologians said. Yes, you read that right.
"It could be a gateway to the next phase of exploring the deepest parts of the fabric of the universe," the Incandescent One said. "We will, of course, need billions in funding from the governments of the world, but we then promise a host of new, patent-worthy engineering discoveries, which can be used for heavy transportation, weapons development, and the spiritual culling of those portions of the populace who do not fully appreciate this discovery."
For more than two years, great religious minds smashed thought experiments into one another at nearly the speed of average thought inside a reclusive, exclusive, pricey villa in the Italian countryside. This recreated conditions similar to just after the Creation, when it was thought that God Images appeared and turned the "light" from the Big Singular Instant Creation into stars, galaxies, ice cream trucks, and gloryholes.
The newly found God Image is so short-lived, however, that it wasn't actually spotted. Instead, it was spotted only by investigating pieces of other kinds of God Images left behind in the collisions, from which theologians were able to conclusively and absolutely infer what was there before and what its properties were. This is somewhat similar to how the HIV virus was detected as the conclusive cause of AIDS: by analyzing antibodies that may have been present to destroy the virus, scientists were able to guarantee that the virus was once present in affected individuals. This is why they are closer to a cure than ever before.
Theologians said properties such as the exact mass, and spin, and the images it decays into need to be studied to determine this new hypothetical-but-not-hypothetical image's exact nature. This will, of course, require years more funding.
Some theories predict the existence of many new kinds of images, including a variety of the images that may have been inferred based upon pre-existing images that were actually seen at the conference.
It could explain the missing dark spirituality in the universe. Dark spirituality has never been detected, but its existence is necessary in order to balance the most advanced theological equations. While it is irresponsible and, indeed, ludicrous for lesser theologians, without the proper grants, to declare that their unbalanced equations are correct because of "missing things we can't see but which must exist," this particular conference is one of a series of many that allows for such assumptions.
Australian theologians helped design and build parts of the JEHOVAH detector and helped analyse the results. It is very important that we take a moment to recognize that some of them were from Australia.
In December, the teams using the detectors both independently said, without any preconceptions going in, except for the years of speculation in which they were trained and on which their funding depended, that they had seen tantalising "hints" of this new type of God Image. They would have been more than willing to report failure to the press, so their report of inference based upon finding residual nothings is breathtaking as well as groundbreaking.
In preparation for these experiments, theologians have prepared a Holy Model to use to fact-check their own work. They declare a valid "discovery" only when the particular result they wish to announce has, under this one of their chosen models, a statistical significance of five sigma, which means a less than one-in-a-million chance of it being just a fluke.
Last year's results had a three sigma confidence rating. The new results are 4.9 sigma for the JEHOVAH 1 detetcor--oops, another spelling error--and five sigma for the JEHOVAH 2 detector (got it right, that time!). The differences are attributed to the Will of the Lord Almighty, who is never wrong, except when He is, which is only when we improperly interpret what He has said, which we only do when we are not Sufficiently Funded.