Monday, February 25, 2013

ACRES Release: Prison Reform

Arken Counselling and REformation Services, Ltd. ("ACRES"), is aware of, and greatly concerned by, America's longtime status as the nation with the world's largest proportional and total prison population. It will please many of those ordinary citizens worried about social, economic, and educational reform that, once ACRES completes the lobbying process, we'll be proud to work with local governments nationwide to integrate our latest service, (C) (TM) (R), with the nation's prisons (Unfortunately, "" was already taken by an opportunistic seller of actual "books," but our subsidiary, Arken Internet Domain Services, was able to place a claim on FacePrison).

At ACRES, our in-house, double-blind, peer-reviewed research has already proven the positive rehabilitation effects of near constant prisoner internet access and social networking usage on:

1) Inmate safety
2) Guard safety
3) Reduced facilities maintenance costs
4) Reduced water usage

"It's a lot more effective," said Dr. Gerald Quincy-Levine, lead researcher and past president of the American Psychiatric Confinement Association's eastern division, "to have a guard tell a client, 'hey, do you want your password voided for a couple days?' than it is to put them in the hole [solitary confinement ~ eds.] or simply resort to tasering or f--krooming [deliberately placing an inmate in confinement with known sexual predator(s) ~ eds.]. We've seen drastic drops in recidivism, and we think that CCA and the other major players will soon be copying our research."

Indeed, prison industry response to ACRES' venture has been positive so far, and our proposal for a "Phase III" received a standing ovation by last year's Bohemian Grove attendees, as well as delegates to the latest Transatlantic Conference on Neuropsychology.

Dr. Quincy-Levine was forthcoming about his hopes for the future: "[T]he strongest critics at the [event] asked things like, 'How much is this going to cost us?' and 'Won't they be able to,' you know, 'hack stuff if they're online?' But, frankly, the answer to both those questions is no [he means "to the second question" ~ eds.]. In close partnership with several Google-affiliated netsweeping programs, we were able to keep prisoners from accessing any non-preferred sites, and all the computers were running either Apple operating systems, or Windows 8 prototypes, so there's no way for an end user to access command functions or alter the way the computer operates. Basically, it's point and click."

Stunningly, our researchers found that inmate clients were "a little bit more happy" and "substantially more happy" with their prison experience after the introduction of FacePrison. Prisoners were able to update one another on work schedules and cell assignments, "like" one another's statuses, and receive banner messages from trustees, guards, wardens, and even an inspirational quote from the Governor Herself, when she was invited to ACRES' offices to review the program, and expressed interest in communicating directly with her State's prisoners. Online prisoner purchase models have also shown a dramatic upsurge potential in the non-prison economy, as well as a potential reduction in non-prison enforcement and city police and county sheriff monitoring costs for potential clients. Because of the positive results from these initial studies, ACRES feels that research in this area has a dynamic future for reducing crime in society as a whole.

Looking Forward
it's nice cause, cause, you don't gotta pay for internet and stuff.
-Anonymous Client 1
It's like facebook an' sh-t, only better, 'cause you know all the people you friends with, and you...see them every day.
-Anonymous Client 2

Most importantly, nearly all interviewees reported to our research team, and to associated members of the Federal Department of Corrections quality review delegation, that they felt "about the same," or were "a little bit more happy," about their lives in prison than their lives outside prison. The quotations above are only a small sampling of the positive inmate responses received directly by the team. In addition, inmates were asked to not "like" statuses unless they felt generally content and safe that day, resulting in a nearly 100% vote of confidence in the program. "You just can't deny what we're seeing from this data," said Rachel Frisch, PhD.

Although it will take time, and a great amount of study, to decide how to most effectively proceed, the evidence is impossible to ignore. In accordance with standards of scientific fairness, the results were forwarded to the federal government's Immigration and Naturalization Service, the Department of Homeland Security, and Citizen Emergency Relocation Assistance Service for further review.

(Many thanks to Pied Cow's recent George Will: Bleeding Heart Liberal.)

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