Sunday, March 31, 2013

Upcoming Movies from F.I.S.

For the first time ever in public, here are just some of the electrifying, soon-to-be-released cinematic results of High Arka Funworks' Full Information Security project.

Naples Nights. Nicholas Cage stars as Armand Rico, a hardheaded supercar designer who is leaving his job to start his own company because of creative differences with his employer. While he struggles to navigate the high-stakes game of Italian corporate automobile finance and rebuild his relationship with the wife and son he abandoned years ago, he meets feisty young investigative reporter Bianca Florentina, played by Keira Knightley, who is struggling to expose the truth about the Prime Minister's hand in a series of underworld murders in Naples' seamiest red-light district.

"So you were there the night she died, too?!" Revelations about Rico's uncertain past threaten to destroy the future for both of our heroes. Will they be strong enough to survive another...Naples Night?

Bittersweet Cupcakes. The experienced, talented Reese Witherspoon breathes new life into this traditional period piece, portraying a young Betty Crocker in 1860s Virginia. Rocked by the turmoil of the Civil War, Crocker is driven by her cruel father to become a nurse for the Confederacy. While on the field at Gettysburg, she defies her father to form and instruct an African-American nursing regiment, teaching the illiterate older women to truly value the independence the regiment has provided them, and to trust their instincts. It is there that she overturns the conventional wisdom of the time, pushing aside ineffective male camp chefs to deploy innovative baking techniques, solar ovens, and non-perishable snacks for both sides in that heart-wrenching conflict, ultimately turning the tables for the Union.

"I'm not going to stand here and let this get hard and dry while a man starves to death! I don't care what color his uniform is, or his skin is! I'm not going to stand here and let this cupcake get hard just because a man tells me to, whether he's a general or not!"

Crocker's historical face-off with General Lee, as well as her much-criticized railroad meeting with Lincoln, are portrayed down to the finest level of detail with help from Harvard historians Niall Ferguson and Steven Pinker. Witherspoon's performance turns the genre on its head with a high degree of period accuracy: and of course, there's enough pot roast and flaky crusts to go around! The true climax, some early reviewers have suggested, is not to be found in the Civil War scenes, but in the touching conclusion, where an aging Crocker passes on a valiant charge to a young Susan B. Anthony. The wartime backdrop means an occasional combat or gangrenous amputation scene, but the presentation is tasteful, and Witherspoon's confident portrayal of Crocker makes this a must-see for parents of young children.

Unstoppable. Tom Felton, of Harry Potter fame, shows his dramatic side in an action-adventure blockbuster combining hip hop, kung fu, high-stakes driving, and even higher-staked romance. Felton plays Jim Burns, a down-and-out student who participates in the deadly illegal motorcycle street-racing circuit in some of the world's hottest cities. While pursuing the championship trophy, Felton learns that victory comes with a price: a challenge to both his nascent martial arts skills and his heart, in the form of defending champion Akayasha, portrayed by Kristen Stewart.

"If you wanna win this race, you gotta be...unstoppable." With the help of aging motorcycle genius Marcus Jefferson (50 Cent), Felton has a chance to win the southern L.A. division, and with it, the world championship: but can he bring himself to focus on racing and fighting when his father's deteriorating health threatens to upset the very foundation that brought him to illegal motorcycle kung fu competition in the first place?

Die-hard genre fans will appreciate Russell Wong's cameo as Felton's ringside mentor in the final scene, and fans of Twilight's romantic elements will see stiff competition from the living and breathing when Felton turns Stewart over his knee after the fight. But we won't tell you who wins: the race, the fight, or the hottest spooning this side of NC-17. Watch, and find out--if you're unstoppable enough. (All motorcycles provided by Suzuki. Suzuki: live fast, ride faster.)

Vows Eternal. Keira Knightley plays the feisty young heiress to an agricultural empire who is stranded in Las Vegas late one New Year's Eve after @FQ!&&$R*Q)(( E.....qw] [ 1 ` ] asd

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(Editor's note: approximately 2,400 versions of the complete script of Vows Eternal are still awaiting the final review process. Results forthcoming.)

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