Sunday, February 2, 2014

Classically Speaking

I am the one who has been chosen to disseminate the classics to you.

What words do you think of when you think of the classics? Pricey. Sophisticated. Lively. Luxury. Pretentious. Celebration. Expensive. Not Interested.

The classics have not been appreciated enough before. No one knows about the classics. No one is interested in reading the classics. The classics need to be repackaged for a new millennium, and I am the one who has been chosen to bring them to you. I am a genius. You are lucky to have me, whatever the venue. Zeus. Galen. Aristotle. Dionysus. Lucifer. Milton. My incessantly barking dog in the flat down the hall.

What if Aphrodite worked at a convenience store? What if Hercules was gay? What if Poseidon was transported through time? What if Dionysus grew upset with Monsanto for encroaching upon his previously-organic vineyards?

(My god, I'm a genius!)

What if a vortex in time caused Aphrodite, Hercules, Poseidon, and Dionysus to be transported through time? What if Hercules met a cute boy while shopping for protein bars at the convenience store where Aphrodite was working to pay the bills just like an ordinary woman in modern ages while using her divine charms to trick people into buying rolls of lottery tickets that she already knew were not winners, even though her divine charms did not stretch so far as to let her win the lottery and quit the irksome job at the convenience store? What if Poseidon had been summoned by the Creators to cleanse the seas of damage cause by a nebulous combination of overfishing and polluting attributable to no one person except for a single evil executive who acted contrary to the desires of all the other board members? What if Dionysus was, it turned out, his younger twin brother, distracted in Napa Valley while Poseidon was trying to get people to care about bottles of unfinished detergent washing up in the San Francisco bay, just before the prophesied return of the kraken causes the Golden Gate to snap apart in an incredible three minutes and nine seconds' performance by Pixar Studios?

It's an enigma. It's a stroke of literary genius. It's a romance where no one talks about love. It's a baseball story where no one ever plays a game of baseball. It's everything you expect and everything you don't expect. I've been asked to bring back Shakespeare and the classics because people just aren't familiar enough with them although they can instantly identify them and feel a sense of kinship and authority. What would motivate you to renew your interests in the classics? Cheaper. Available Locally. Available At Home. Available On The Internet. Faster. Recommended By A Friend. Recommended By A Professional. Not Interested.

It's the story of the man who worked at the cursed foundry where they built the cast used to shape the barrel of the shotgun that Kurt Cobain used to shoot himself in 1994. What if that shotgun could talk? What if it worked its way back to the foundry worker through a series of hilarious coincidences, then helped him patch things up with his dyslexic son and his unemployed wife, and realize that he had been at fault all along? Chris Martin has already been contracted for the remixed soundtrack. Colin Farrell will voice "the young talking shotgun," Will Farrell will offer a humorous take on "the matured talking shotgun," and Morgan Freeman will play his aging father.

($300 million? Don't aim too low! No one likes the chronically depressed!)

Everyone in the industry agrees I'm a marvel. Where did this kid come from? She's everything you've ever wanted. I was surprised, myself, at the maturity level exhibited. Didn't you just cry at that one part? Holy shit, what do you like? Oh yeah, get all high and mighty on me. I can't help it if things come this easily. I think of things, jot them down, and suddenly, there it all is, available in seventeen countries. I'd like to thank all forty-six members of the team for the sequel, which was slightly different than the original team. I couldn't have done it without the ancient Greeks. The ancient Greeks, and Kurt Cobain. Yeah, I've always been a fan. Of Zeus, I mean. Basically, I'm just a genius. I try to be modest about it. Ask my friend. (Yes, indeed, she is a genius.)

What if Aphrodite worked in a convenience store? Can you just imagine the zany situations? Boy, if someone tried to rape her, late at night, they would get it. She would be all, lightning up they ass! LMAO! Here's a picture for your next visit to facebook: the actress who played Aphrodite, behind a counter littered with change and lottery tickets, shooting divine lightning at a white-trash rapist (played by Nick Nolte) and frying him into toast. In all-caps Times New Roman, the meme reads something like, I HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK, WATCH IT, BITCH!!!

Omigod, it's so fucking genius I can't believe it. There's some guy from the Mercedes dealership outside, trying to offer me a free car, as long as I promise to only drive with the windows down.

I try to be humble about it--I've been chosen to disseminate the classics.

In MY take on Hercules, he's not only gay, he's a BOTTOM. And he ends up with a half-Asian, half-black, vertically-challenged guy who teaches Greek history, but at a community college, so you know he's not a snob. Hercules LAUGHS at modern body builders, dispatches corrupt goons, and teaches a whole class of inner-city community college kids that history is about more than getting 3 credits and an A: it's about discovering who we are and where we came from. You thought this stuff was stupid cheese when some C-list guy did it all last year, and his movie is rotting in the back of the video store, because Netflix won't even deign to carry it. But when HERCULES does it, it's not only hilarious, it's also brilliant. You own the Special Edition copy even though it's saved on your DVR from the network release.

You'll have to excuse my genius. Because the real movie is not about Aphrodite, Hercules, Poseidon, or even Dionysus. No. It's about everyday issues. Common issues. It offers a deep perspective on the world in which we live. These popular figures, so regularly a part of the common imagination (yes, I did write it that way, I'm a critic, I can say what I want and it BECOMES well English, so just DEAL with it! and whose gonna call me on it anywayz? because i spell and conjugate everything correctly in other places, you KNOW it's cute when I use "Z" in place of "S"!!!! :) !!)

As I was trying to saying, these popular figures, so regularly a part of the common imagination, are employed by me, the industry's current official disseminator (C.O.D.) of the classics, to intellectually illuminate imaginative issues in modern fiction. You're vaguely aware of the classical creation myths, and I can use that. It doesn't matter if your vague awareness is based upon a Disney-fied version of an Anglicized version of an incorrect clusterfuckedly wrong rehash of tales that you might appreciate if you actually read them, oh no; what matters is that you already bought your ticket, so stuff it in your piehole and go buy a soda straw with one of Poseidon's sexy mermaid retainers wrapped around it.

My best friends don't usually like spending 53 seconds watching someone clean the icy gunk out of the gutter in the front of the soda machine, but when Aphrodite does it, it's a brilliant commentary on the intersection of past and present. Our common humanity is unified in unfathomable ways by the genius, me, who thought it all up.

Thank you. Thank you all.


  1. See, I don't get this post at all. I feel like I am supposed to get the joke, and I don't.

    I am one of the stupid people who need moral relativism. Sorry.