Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Orientals May Be

Pursuant to §26-403.2(B) of the Fourth Restatement of the American Cinemagraphical Code, Orientals in an action movie may be:

1) Overworking, joyless millionaires who don't appreciate their beautiful, soft, tender, needy women as much as white men would because of an obsession with money and power;

2) Powerful bureaucrats who don't appreciate their beautiful, soft, tender, needy women as much as white men would because of an obsession with tall white prostitutes in kinky costumes;

3) The bitter, disempowered children of millionaires who abuse beautiful, soft, tender, needy women to vent their own frustrations;

4) The bitter, disempowered children of millionaires who are sweet and good-natured, but who doubt their own ability to run their family business, and who are too simplistic and naive to avoid the manipulations of powerful bureaucrats, leaving them unable to properly provide for beautiful, soft, tender, needy women;

5) Hyper altruistic, dying elders, who lament that, EITHER: their children are either bitter, disempowered, and unable to properly run the family business; OR, bitter, disempowered, and prone to excessively beating local women; OR, bitter, disempowered, and prone to hiring/raping white women; OR, that they have no one suitable to marry their beautiful, soft, tender, needy daughter; OR, that they have no children because they were unable to impregnate their formerly beautiful, soft, tender, needy wife;

6) Beautiful, soft, tender, needy women who have been uncertain if they enjoy physical love until they see the first white man in Tokyo, when they become quite instantly horny and self-directed;

7) Vaguely spiritual warriors who retain a pseudo-honorable commitment to an outdated mishmash of Orientalist creeds, are unable to function in the real world because of same, and whose inability to adapt to the 21st century leaves them unable to provide for beautiful, soft, tender, needy women as well as well as white men would, in particular because their pseudo-honorable commitments cause them to physically abuse beautiful, soft, tender, needy female locals, instilling in them a crippling desire to be instantly swept away to the futons of white men.

Pursuant to §26-403.2(C) et seq. of the same, Orientals in a mutant-related action movie may not be:

1) As skilled at the use of the native weapons in which they have lifelong training as are white men who have tried out such weapons for the first time a couple days ago;

2) Free of EITHER (a) closeted perverse sexual desires, or (b) a sadistic love of violence;

3) Able to block or dodge a two-second frown, followed by a four-second sneer, followed by a three-second windup, followed by a right hook.

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