Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The J. Robertson Affair

"Sources close to...the Commissioner's office told The Meme Monday that Jimwah had been accused of using performance enhancing genes to grow larger and faster than the average person, giving him a decided advantage in [the game.] What effect, if any, this will have on Jimwah's own decision to have children, and with whom, remains to be seen, but for now, the league has issued a directive mandating that all licensed National Collegiate divisions test their players for conformance to the Reasonable Genetics Code. 'The RGC remains the best protection professional athletics has in this country,' spokesperson Ronald Tweed told General News this morning.

Attorneys for Mr. Robertson argued last week that his DNA was 'all natural,' going before a Seattle judge to make the case that Jimwah was actually shorter and weaker than many of his direct relatives born prior to the date of the widespread availability of genetic enhancement. Residual tracing techniques, applied to a series of reconstituted cremains, and even a study of exhumed bones leading as far back as the Flame Era, provided a 'likely evidentiary assumption,' his attorneys stated, that Jimwah Robertson's muscle composition was of natural origin. He's 'simply a better player,' one member of his defense team quipped, minutes before he was attacked by the Commissioner's canine response unit. When The Meme asked Jimwah about the assault the next day, he was quoted as saying, 'I don't know why this [affair] needs so many...lawyers. Where [are] those guys coming from, anyway? [It's surprising]! I thought it was gonna just be one of those [professionals], and then I'm out six million bucks and they're [digging up] my grand-moms!'

The Commissioner's office quickly fired back with a scathing indictment of Robertson's..."

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