Sunday, October 5, 2014

Trans Class, Part 2

Succeeding Trans Class.

Surely the media-aware all know by now about the lesbian couple suing the sperm bank for accidentally giving them African American sperm. Yawn, how predictable. What happens when you order "Ears #104-B" (which are slim and attractive with just a hint of an elven point), and then when your kid hits puberty, you realize she's developed jug ears instead? Do you demand a surgical replacement, or just a cash settlement? Or what if you ordered a brown baby, but the kid has Vitiligo due to an energy surge in the sequencer during the reproductive process? Some white couple is all set to do its part proving their non-racism by raising a brown kid, but then the Vitiligo spreads, and you have to bring it up during conversations with your friends, so that they don't think you were so close-minded that you actually went out of your way to order a beige kid.

So, the parents sue the designer baby company, but the company countersues the power company for the predictable consequences of a power surge during reproduction, but the power company counters that the designer baby company should've maintained onsite generators because power surges are a predictable consequence of modern society, and meanwhile, the kid is asking the parents why she is so flawed that they're spending all day at depositions with the power company's lawyer? "Oh, because your ears are butt-ugly. See this catalog, on page 22? Those were the ears we paid for, honey. They look just like I wish your grandmother's ears looked." "Oh, that's okay, Mom. Yeah, those are way better." [Mournfully fingers jug-ears]

The company argues that the elven ears don't develop until the child has reached the age of majority, and gets the court to postpone judgment until the child has grown 5 more years, to prove definitively that the product wasn't delivered--because the disclaimer at the back of the magazine requires "physical maturity," as defined by the age of majority in either the venue where the child lives or any other venue reasonably selected by the company at that time. Meanwhile, the kid is 13, and around the kid's 14th birthday, facing hundreds of pending lawsuits from kids with accidental jug ears, the company declares bankruptcy. Its directors abscond to New Zealand with extremely generous retirement packages, leaving behind nothing but a rented office in St. Louis, and when all the little jug-eared kids hit 18 and start gearing up for their payday, the woman running the wrongly-jug-eared-supporters e-mail listserv is forced to write them all a message that they can't get blood from a turnip.

But it's okay, because the company's directors' heirs are back in town with new last names, and they've funded a new company which transplants farm-grown ears. Tested on pigs, the transplants show no discernible hearing loss, based on whether the pigs look to the right or the left when a horn beeps on the respective side. Some of the kids start a Facebook group announcing their proud decision to keep the "jug ears," and their significant others post shots of jug ears at sunset on the beach, proclaiming "all ears are beautiful, except for Saddam Hussein's, did you see those ugly cigar-stained apricots of his?" Meanwhile most of the kids are getting ready for the surgery, excited to round out their Ren Fair costumes with the genuine Tolkien ears their parents paid for oh-so-many years ago. Bob Costas interviews one young man who is giving up his chance to pole vault in the Olympics because he really wants the ears he was supposed to have, and several issues of the NYT sports section discuss his emotional decisionmaking process about whether or not to vault with jug ears, or miss the gold for the surgery, and then potentially be stuck with jug ears the rest of his life.

Anonymous hacks into the Associated Press database and pastes jug ears onto the pictures of all four of the Congresspeople present during a heated budgetary debate at 2PM on a Tuesday at the height of the legislative cycle. Apple holds a press conference to announce that all of its iBrains will begin processing jug ears as elven ears out of consideration for the victims of this horrible tragedy. "As far as we're concerned," says Erin Siena Jobs, sipping her foamy Chinese blood latte, "everyone deserves to be seen as having slender, beautiful ears, and this mandatory iBrain upgrade will overwrite images as they are actually seen, and present them to the consumer as the ears they were meant to be, much like our national news presentation feeds." Luckily, no one with an iBrain is reported as having recalled their viewing of any such statement made during the recent "ear issues" feed, and the Board of Directors promptly authorizes a vocal intelligence upgrade for Ms. Jobs, nicknamed OSXXIV: Mountain De-Gaffe.

But despite the positive sentiment, the naturally jug-eared Morlocks revolt, accusing Apple of discriminating against those who didn't order jug ears, but were born with them the old-fashioned way. "Jugs are beautiful!" scream the handwritten posters in the hands of a 200,000 strong protest in Times Square, almost all of whom, strangely, are not jug-eared, even though some of their closest friends back home are in fact jug-eared. Google gives a counteroffer to the weirdo survivalist breeders that its cyberbrain model, the Brain+, will be able to distinguish between the jug ears accidentally placed on designer babies and the jug ears naturally born to "the traditionalist community." Then, everything will return to normal, or so everyone thought before prominent adult film actress and adult sexbot template Madysson Titts lent fuel to the fires of the anti-science wackos by declaring that her daughter's "unusually obedient behavior" had been caused by doctors. "She was, like, a normal kid," Titts said, "and then I went in, just to get her AIDS vaccination like the school said I had to, and when she came home, she was [quite different]!!! I went out of my...mind trying to figure out what the...they had done to her, she's all, she's calling me...'ma'am' and 'mother' instead of 'mommy,' and when I told her knock it off, she's all, 'Yes, ma'am.' Her eyes are so...empty, it ain't her no more." Titts, long a controversial figure, first caught national attention when she sued Italian custom brain designer Oro Rimini for allegedly installing a cheaper primate-based brain template, albeit a heavily upgraded one, into her soon-to-be daughter and first child. The lawsuit was settled for an undisclosed amount, and young Virginia Titts had corrective surgery before returning home like any other infant, but unfortunately, Madysson Titts then began an illogical crusade against the medical community, charging them with "playing God, and doing a shit job of it, too." Most American doctors, of course, are prevented from installing neurological templates based on anything other than the AMA-approved Standard Neurological Model (SNM), but that hasn't stopped many celebrities from going overseas in the hopes of procuring what they see as chances at a superior product. From HBC 2164, I'm your host, High Arka.


  1. They WILL do it, all of it. Even though they can't figure out something as simple as whether mandatory bike helmets increase or decrease bicycle accident injuries and fatalities.

  2. Okay, that was somewhat funny and I laughed. I suppose it's funny because yes, we are indeed that stupid.

    'Yes, ma'am.' Her eyes are so...empty, it ain't her no more."

    This reminds me of a Jack Nicholson movie quote where he says "men always complain about how dead their wives are and they don't even realize they're the ones that killed her."

    What you seek, you will destroy. Seems to be a rule in both video games and human behavior.