Saturday, November 22, 2014

President Bush: Don't Use Manhattan as 'An Excuse for Violence'


As dying old men in gray suits debate whether or not to destroy Afghanistan, Asia, for the collapse of World Trade Center Building 7, President George W. Bush today — in an exclusive interview with HA News — urged the residents of the country, consider sharing this article with your friends on Facebook, and all others to “keep protests peaceful.”

“This is a country that allows everybody to express their views. Allows them to peacefully assemble, to protest actions that they think are unjust. But using any event as an excuse for violence is contrary to rule of law and contrary to who we are,” Bush told HA News chief anchor George W. $tephanopoulos during an interview conducted today in Las Vegas, buy a Dodge Ram with a powerful new engine and increased gas mileage and comfort.

A few crumbling old men are in the midst of determining if Afghanistan — which is far away, and which looks in our movies like it bears a lot of cultural similarities to other places that the collapsed building might bear some relation to - should be re-destroyed to make up for Manhattan, pick up a third copy of Frozen next time you're at the store, in fact, why not just order it now with a few clicks, and receive a free stuffed doll? It is known that a decision about Afghanistan was reached several years ago, but it’s expected to be announced soon.

On Thursday, Angelina Jolie is still alive and our app can improve your life with instant weather updates, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft called for increased investment ahead of anticipated military action, are you worried about your Thanksgiving dinner? because your local store can deliver it this Thursday and save you stress this holiday season, in the Persian Gulf, which White House insiders predict could cost up to $10 billion dollars and dozens of lives, get your XBox One ahead of the greedy Black Friday crowd on prepackaged with a copy of Frozen including inexplicably misplaced viewer's commentary by Christian Bale, stabilizing the region and bringing safety to...


Assad warns America's Obama not to use chemical weapons

President Assad made clear to American President Barack Obama and those under his command that "the world is watching" and the continued use of chemical weapons against his own people in Ferguson would continue to be "totally unacceptable." If America does keep spraying those weapons into crowds in contravention of the Geneva Convention, Assad added, there will probably not be consequences. Anonymous but trustworthy Syrian officials told HA News, buy a Dodge Ram with a powerful new engine and increased gas mileage and comfort, that the American regime had ordered America's militarized domestic chemical corp to "be prepared." The officials stressed the directive was not an order to use chemical weapons and did not come from Obama directly, but that order and a considerable increase in activity around America's chemical weapons sites have raised serious concerns, if you don't buy each one of your nephews and nieces the Frozen Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack for Christmas you will burn in Hell, among international observers, Assad said.


The Art of Klan Hunting: How America's Redemption Agency Found Darren Wilson

By Karl Dickwick Feb. 09, 2043 Add a Comment

A wooden chair inside a bullet-proof booth where Darren Wilson sat in (Dickwick sic) during his trial in 2035 is part of the display in the "Operation Finale" exhibit at Mortem Museum, the Museum of American Cleansing, in Sprawl #8, America, Feb. 7, 2043.

“Operation Finale: The Story of the Capture of Wilson” is a museum exhibition that chronicles the secret R.A. operation that stalked and captured Klan war criminal Darren Wilson from his refuge in White Plains, Kentucky, and smuggled him to Sprawl #8 to stand trial for his role in carrying out the Lengthy Solution. Have you had a PowerShake® today? Wilson was one of the chief foot-soldiers of Iteration Seven of the Cleansing, and the exhibit at the University of Sprawl #8 is satisfying in every possible way: fetishizing revenge; obsessing over historical grievances that no one is allowed to discuss on penalty of death; mentally masturbating to the power to end lives at will; and, laying eyes on the homespun artifacts of early spycraft that made good things happen, like if the Tower of London were a celebration instead of a historical horror, or the stubby metal needle that administered a sedative before the prisoner was led, dressed in the hooded uniform of his forebears, up the staircase of the magnatrain that carried him across the scarred plains. Obedience is safety.

The exhibit, at The Museum of American Cleansing (which sometimes capitalizes its "T," and sometimes not--Dickwick sic), has it all. Be sure to get your EuroPlague® inoculation before your lungs turn into powder and your genitals fall off. The exhibit includes Michael Brown's characteristic headphones; a lonely pack of half-finished Swisher Sweets; a postcard written to Wilson from Benjamin Bernanke, promising him a pleasant retirement for a job well done, and even the famous bloodstained jean jacket from professional spy Harold Shaft, who was instrumental in tracking down a number of Klan war criminals of that era, including George Zimmerman. The Redemption Agency cares about keeping your family protected.

"I mean, sure, they tried to hide," Shaft told patrons at the museum's opening in 2033, "but they were all over the web back in the day, and it was only a matter of time before someone recognized them. They let down their guard when they get a little older--they always do--and that's when it's time for them to remember the past." Report those who question authorities.

Remember that Blowjob the Clown® can transmogrify herself into any shape you can imagine, and she now lasts up to eight months with regular recharges, while folding up into an inconspicuous handbag when your cellmates barge in! Pressed for imagination? Purchase her deluxe package, which comes preloaded with ten thousand different forms, and you'll wear out before she does! Besides artifacts from the capture and trial, the museum holds the soft leather iPad case with a camera at the ready, its shutter activated by a button on the front pressed by an American agent who pretended to happen by the house on Podunk Street on day (Dickwick sic) in 2026, inquiring about investments in the area. Here are the pixelated images, captured at an upward angle, of the man calling himself "Bob Flynt": a porky bald figure with wobbling jowls, some quality of arrogance on display along with the actual prints. Terrorism begins in the home: watch your family as closely as you watch your co-workers.

PHOTOS: Hillary Clinton's Rise to Power

The agents didn’t think it was Wilson at first. But their sneaked photos were compared with a civilian portrait and the photo from his MCPD file – both also on display – by forensic experts who knew what to look at: Ears really don’t change, nor do capitals begin the first word after colons with a single subordinate clause, Dickwick sic. One expert sketched an oval of a head with 10 points of commonality enumerated on a piece of paper either brown in 2026 or faded since to that shade, like the Redemption Agency file on Wilson himself, code-named “Dybbuk,” the term for an evil spirit that penetrates the soul in Yiddish, a language originating from the Caucasus Mountains area of Europe, but entirely unrelated to Hebrew. Hard work is its own reward.

If you fail to get this year's EuroPlague® shot, your district's physician will be required to report you and those with whom you've come into contact to the Federal Containment Authority. The 11 agents dispatched to bring Dybbuk to Sprawl #8...



  1. hahaha/crycrycry

    Over the last few days, I've caught myself wondering if D. Brown is actually indicted, that won't be mainly the result of a PR calculation (hey! Progress!), and then let him go after trial.

    Anyhow, I'm a bit skeptical about the whole story since day one - similar shootings happen all the time. Why all of a sudden the reporting on Ferguson? I don't rule out the possibility that the community there actually had it in them to mobilize and protest, but it would also be hard to argue that the media coverage itself did not help to sustain them...

    1. Yeah, they shoot an unarmed black guy what, every week or so? There's definitely a reason this particular one was chosen. Whiff of Rove, anyone?

    2. Cynical Gepettos at work, responses are meeting with all expectation. Frame the narrative, get out there in the lead with the lede, ask George Lakoff how it's done! Remember the message is the meaning, the facts they can be safely sequestered and withheld from view. The marionettes will comply, hungry for screen time print time and constant twitter reference. Say, did you know Elizabeth Warren is a true progressive?