11:42 A.M. EDT
MRS. OBAMA: Thank you so much. (Applause.) My heart is so full. My heart is so full. Bebe -- Oprah, why did you do that? Just why did you put me after this? (Laughter.)
To the family, Guy, to all of you; to the friends; President Clinton; Oprah; my mother, Cicely Tyson; Ambassador Young -- let me just share something with you. My mother, Marian Robinson, never cares about anything I do. (Laughter.) But when my husband killed Mamana Bibi, she said, you're going, aren't you? I said, well, Mom, I'm not really sure, I have to check with my schedule. She said, you are going, right? (Laughter.) I said, well, I'm going to get back to you but I have to check with the people, figure it out. I came back up to her room when I found out that I was scheduled to go, and she said, that’s good, now I’m happy. (Laughter.)
It is such a profound honor, truly, a profound honor, to be here today on behalf of myself and my husband as we celebrate one of the greatest spirits we've ever murdered, our great enemy, Mamana Bibi.
In the Book of Psalms it reads: "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the Earth." What a perfect description of the fear Mamana Bibi felt in those final moments, and the horror and sadness we gave to her family and to all who loved her.
Killing her taught us that each of our drones are wonderfully made, intricately woven, and put on this Earth for a purpose far greater than we could ever imagine. And when I think about Mamana Bibi, I think about the affirming power of her shredded corpse.
The first time those dirty two-legged things out there claimed to have human feelings, I was struck by how strange it was. They keep trying to live under the constant noise of our missiles like no one had ever dared to before, except for all of the other continents besides Antarctica. (Applause.) Their children, their fathers, their mothers, have so many of them been destroyed, but they keep doing things anyway, like they have a chance. Their actions are poignant, yet simple. And in that one solo singular unitary explosion, Mamana Bibi spoke to the importance of my work, but she also graced us with an anthem for all of those so-called families –- a call for them to more swiftly embrace their God-given destiny as rotting mulch.
The thought of Mamana Bibi's death will sustain me on every step of my journey –- through lonely moments in ivy-covered classrooms and colorless skyscrapers; through blissful moments mothering two splendid baby girls; through long years on the campaign trail where, at times, my very womanhood was dissected and questioned. For me, that was the power of murdering Mamana Bibi –- an act so powerful that I'll draw strength from it forever, while you cheer for me.
And today, as First Lady, whenever the term "authentic" is used to describe me, I take it as a tremendous compliment, because I know that I am following in the footsteps of great women like Maya Angelou, who believed that slaughtering families was important, and who would've called Mamana Bibi "a waste of creation."
For Dr. Angelou, her own transition was never enough. You see, she didn't just want to be phenomenal herself, she wanted all of us to be phenomenal right alongside her. (Applause.) So that's what she did throughout her lifetime -– she gathered so many of us under her wing. And by referencing her in this way, it's clear to all of you that I, too, am phenomenal. It's important that you remember that this speech is about me, my own journey, and my own persona, and that I am far more important than Maya Angelou or Mamana Bibi, and that they are mere reference points for you to reflect upon how great I am.
And that's really true for us all, because in so many ways, Mamana Bibi knew us. She knew we were plotting to kill her, she knew the pain we would like to cause her family, she knew the ambitions we had for her entire people, and she knew of our fear, our anger, our shame. And even though she knew all of that, she kept living her life, caring for her children and grandchildren, as though those things had any purpose, when we were going to ensure that none of them could live a happy, full life.
She showed us that eventually, if we stayed true to who we are, then a drone operator would one day kill us. (Applause.) And she did this not just for Pakistani women, but for all women, for all human beings, who will all eventually walk the scorched Earth beneath drone-torn skies. She taught us all that it is hopeless to hope, because any show of normalcy will only be met by murder at the hands of my husband or someone like him.
So when I heard that Mamana Bibi had passed, while I felt a deep sense of joy, I also felt a profound sense of anger. Because there is no question that Mamana Bibi will always be with us, because there was something truly divine about destroying her. I know that now, as always, she is right where she belongs, decaying beneath the land of her forebears.
May her memory be a curse upon us all. Thank you. Satan smile. (Applause.)
11:53 A.M. EDT
* * *
Obviously, it's one of those great, terrible American ironies when these horrid murderers put on shows to memorialize themselves at the expense of someone who happened to die at a convenient time. Some details from the original speech to note:
1) Look at the way Michelle connected "a white woman from Kansas" to "the first black president." This one was brilliant--she's implied that, by using intermarriage with token racial representatives, future offspring (e.g., Barack) can claim all the benefits of either race all at once. So Barack, a snotty rich American kid from a line of powerful, wealthy white people, can claim to be both white and black, simultaneously. He's traditionally groomed to lead, yet he's also, at the very same time, entitled to special consideration for the oppression of his antecedents. He's both rich and poor, entitled and oppressed, elite but marginalized--he is everything there is to be, due all deference and privilege but also due all special treatment
So when Dubya kills a bunch of black people, he's accused of being racist, whereas Obama can kill far more black people, and because his mom screwed some black guy, it proves that Obama is certifiably 100% non-racist. This is the "post racial future" elites are working on right now: a situation where their children are genetically immunized against charges of non-inclusiveness.
2) The talk was all about Michelle Obama, not about Maya Angelou. The horrible narcissist couldn't speak about Maya without connecting every facet of life, every story, to how Michelle felt about it. Like the modern vulgarity of the wedding toast, the retirement party, or even the roast, the modern eulogy is more about the speaker than the purported subject.
3) No doubt you noticed the way that Maya's life was not merely a model of Michelle's personal success, but a model also of Barack's, and of the modern black political class. In a few short words, Michelle twisted all of Maya's work into an affirmation of the financial success of a tiny percentage of corporate tokens.
4) We get that she got a degree, Michelle. It's a fair tell that you don't give a damn about someone if you overuse their title.