Hopeful kid #1: Mr. Celebrity, is it true there's a meritocracy, and that if I do something I like really well, I'll succeed?
Mr. Celebrity: Sure there is, sweetheart. The world is a just, fair place. If you do well at something, you'll be rewarded. In fact, that's why I'm answering you now--not so much because you're going anywhere except to a leaky flat in Brislington, but because my manager let your question get through to me so I could reassure everyone who showed up today with a "yes." And that yes confirms that my own success is due to merit. My own passion and hard work thrust me to the top of billions. Now go over there, get your sticker, and get the hell to the back of the crowd. Next!
Eager fans: Swoon!
Hopeful kid #2: Mr. Celebrity, should I follow my dreams?
Mr. Celebrity: Damn straight, son! Your dreams are the most important thing in the world. Fuck everybody else's dreams. Focus on yourself. Oh, but be sure to be kind to a couple of people along the way. What you need to do is strike the right kind of balance between serving yourself totally while tossing a few scraps to someone worthless, like you, when the cameras are rolling. Next!
Eager fans: Double swoon!
Hopeful kid #3: Mr. Celebrity, sir--if I have a setback, should I give up?
Mr. Celebrity: Never! Believe in yourself, and push through. After all, those who fail are merely those who have given up. Those who keep trying are going to succeed. Like, me, for example--I was just going to lay around the bungalow for another couple years after college, but after my da made a few calls and told me there was something I had to do, I decided to get up and go do it. And that's what got me where I am today. Go on, back of the group, who's next?
Eager fans: Omigod, he is so dreamy!
Hopeful kid #4: Should we support established public institutions that do good things?
Mr. Celebrity: Absolutely. The world is genuinely okay, and there's nothing really that we can do to improve it except following our own dreams, and occasionally giving more money to the caring kleptocrats who run the shit you people use like, uhh, schools, libraries, museums, and whatever else you do when you're not at work. Next!
Eager fans: SWOON!!!
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(Blight, but Neil Gaiman is one smug sack of shoddy.)