Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Drone Futures


Civilian-licensed drones, corporate drones, and perhaps even smaller police department drones will be required to bear markings that can't be easily removed, and users will incur heavy penalties if found operating without a "license," or insurance, or any of the other crap that will be required--which will drive a big industry of financial middlemen, new courses of university study, new fields of law and technology, all of which will be majority-owned by TWMNBN. Influential middlemen will write books, make movies, and make academic and foundation careers studying about and reporting on drones in a "serious" way. Private drones will have artificially limited speed, and like sawed-off shotguns or silencers, certain technologies will be forever barred to real people. Device may not generate interference and must accept all interference received. Stupid redneck characters in movies will start being shown fixing old drones in the lawn chairs outside their permanently-ensconced trailer homes.

Drones owned by the secret police will be unmarked and untraceable. Whenever anything goes wrong with them, evidence will be damaged or disappear, and the resulting mayhem will be blamed on the use of illegal drones by [then-unpopular subgroup], or blamed on a foreign country to justify a new war. The press will never seriously consider any suggestions that the CIA/Mossad had anything to do with the latest drone tragedy, which could only have been the work of clumsy hobbyists, or more likely, of a single white madman with a history of mental problems. Extensive drone licensing will accompany the proliferation of increasingly deadly stealth drones at unmarked military bases rumored to blanket the country. Some naive yahoo will break out of a warehouse with a military drone, confess all the horrible things he was made to do, and be pilloried and forgotten. The cloned head of Jon Stewart, built from the stem cells of ten aborted brown fetuses, will praise the whistleblower's courage, express grave concerns over the drone security state, act like this changes everything, and then move on to other topics without missing a beat.

A Republican presidential candidate will accidentally crash a drone during a family vacation, injuring a poor minority child who was on his first camping trip out of the inner city. The candidate will plummet in the polls as many cartoons are drawn showing him carelessly piloting the drone. Arianna Huffington's neverborn lackeys will simultaneously worry that the Democratic field doesn't include enough drone pilots to identify with younger voters. Pixar will release a movie about a cute talking drone that worries about the things its mustachioed evil master (the bad apple in a faceless company that builds prefabricated minimalls) makes it do. Bob Woodward will write the critically acclaimed bestseller Drone Diplomacy, filled with summaries of two-year-old articles from the Associated Press, insubstantial interviews with highly-placed officials, and occasional use of the F word or new drone slang from the Marines. Pictures of Princess Kate shaving her thigh-cellulite will be posted on the internet by paparazzi who managed to sneak a miniature drone into Buckingham's ventilation system. Shiftless teenagers will begin lurking in Walmart parking lots to practice tricks with their cheap secondhand drones, and Walmart will deploy the controversial robohawk drone to destroy loitering drones. A robohawk model will malfunction and sink its talons into an elderly pensioner's sundress while she hurries to her car in fright, and Oprah will nod seriously at the pensioner as she describes how, in her day, it only took a few bicycle cops to tell skateboarders to move along, and if Walmart had just offered to pay for her medical bills to begin with she wouldn't have needed to sue for $6 million. Walmart will settle with her heirs when she dies before the trial date, and robohawk 2.0 will be sold to daycares across the world to ensure licensed employee face recognition and toddler safety in the event of a...

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