Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Fungibility Level Rising

(The following completely, wholly fictional, satirical post was generated by, and is © the Full Information Security project.)

I'm thinking of writing a sci-fi story where marketing gets so crazy that you can buy life insurance for a newborn baby. And then, if there should be an accident, cha-ching! You cash in!

There's no reason the merchantitude can't increase from there. How about key person insurance for people you know, where if they get in a car crash, you're the death beneficiary? No, even better--random people in dangerous places. Like, say, I'll form a corporation called Detroit Final Greetings, Inc. that insures random people in "Detroit" or "the Green Zone," and if they should get shot, I'll collect a check. Or how about Chicago? Baghdad? I'll insure random combinations of common names to guarantee full coverage. Why rely on gun or drone violence, though? To streamline things even further, I could linger outside surgical wards looking for likely prospects.

Forget writing the book; I'll just put my ideas into play in the real world. I'll make lots more, and get lots more respect, too. I might even amass enough wealth to become presidential material. I'll hold an IPO, of course, but as soon as someone invests in my company, I'll immediately take out a policy on them, and once they die in a mysterious and unfortunate accident, the policy proceeds will buy out their estate, I'll own everything, and eventually I won't have need for lulling any more venture capitalists into a false sense of security.

Omigod omigod the possibilities...let's go even further. Forget newborns, I want choice and security now. I'll insure fetuses and cash in once the mother has an abortion. It can become "emotionally medically necessary," or something, and no one will dare challenge that idea. The payments will be small for each procedure performed, but in a week or so, I'll be throwing down the foundations for my new line of casinos. What else can I insure? Blog readers! Yes, a universal umbrella policy on blog readers. On their eggs, their sperm, their pickup lines, their yoga classes, and if they should abort, or become unable to conceive, or unable to meet a suitable mate, the insurance benefit checks will come to me, me, me, it's only the responsible thing to do I'm preserving your future and the future of all humanity and civilization with the freedom of choice to be both fiscally and biologically responsible, omigod omigod omigod it's every person's right to protect themselves and choose their loved ones and like the Rainbow House said to me in a dream I had this one night it's not your prerogative or anyone else's prerogative to define who I love or how I plan my family or who I choose to unite with in the holy bonds of insurance and I LOVE YOU ALL AND I AM GOING TO INSURE YOU ALL AND I AM GOING TO BE A VERY SAD BILLIONAIRE WHILE I CASH THOSE UNENDING BENEFIT CHECKS!@!%$@$$!#*%^#!!$


Ahem. Excuse me. Got a bit worked up, there, by the horizons of endless choice in secured financial transactions. :( Sad ending to the story, though. :(

:-( :-( Unfortunately, I found out that Gerber had already stolen my idea. Check it:
Parents, grandparents and permanent legal guardians may apply when children are 14 days to 14 years old.

As soon as you get the Grow-Up® Plan, you lock in a child-size premium that will never increase.

Gerber Life.
Why?! Why, oh why, did they get the jump on me? This was going to be such a wonderful world, the tot is in the pot, the check is in the mail, we'll just need you to fill out these forms here, and an auditor will be coming to your bedside to verify that the insured really did have emotional needs for that masturbatory emission, after which we can cut you a check for the full amount of the policy proceeds, Ms. Arka, will you just sign here, please, initial here and here, and there; here, and...one last...that's right, thank you, you should receive it in 3-6 weeks, you have my sympathies, and can you show me where Room 417 is, I have another stop before I head back to the office...


  1. Walmart is doing this to their employees.
    Insurance is really a form of tribute. When you buy insurance, you make a bet: you bet that you will die, the insurance company bets that you will live. The house always wins, because it is so easy to whip you into emotional paranoia about what's gonnna happen to your family if you die, amirte>

    1. I love Walmart Financial. We can only hope that some day, it absorbs the Fed and begins issuing Walton Notes.

  2. Your business plan can and should be expanded. What comes before the developing fetal baby, but fatherly sperm and motherly egg? Insure the sperm, insure the egg! Think of the possibilities: sperm insurance and paternity verification, sperm insurance and counterclaims against sperm banks, sperm insurance and problematic sperm motility/viability once trying for parent status. Then there's the eggs. All those eggs sloughed away monthly. Lost profit opportunities there. Claims against the sire for the wrong kind of twinning in the development, claims against the sire for defective genetic complement (not as big a genius as sold during the dating ritual, etc).

    Don't let Gerber's cheating on the light (they gunned it well before it went from red to green) stop you from beating Gerber to the end of the race!