(If you get the joke and/or see the future utility, consider tossing this at your legislature. Edit at will to make it apply locally, or if you can make it more fun.)
23-16101. Short title
This chapter may be cited as the PEWTER Act, or the Protecting Ethnic minorities, Women, and Transgender individuals in Emergency Road situations Act.
In this chapter, unless the context otherwise requires:
A. "Driver" means the operator of a motor vehicle or the assisting passenger of such operator.
B. "Obstructing Person" means any person who was not a law enforcement officer then on duty who has caused an obstruction or engaged in the act of obstruction under this chapter.
C. "Obstructs" or to commit an "Act of Obstruction" means to insert any physical object, including a portion of one's own or another's body, upon a lane of travel, or above a lane of travel to a height of half a mile, or in such proximity to a lane of travel as to be reasonably able to insert any such physical object upon or above a lane of travel within sixty seconds.
D. "Threat" means anything which a reasonable person could conceivably view as a threat to life, limb, property, or dignity, as defined not by a presiding court or prior precedent but by a driver's testimony or sworn affidavit.
This chapter applies to all of the following:
A. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using a standard operator's license issued before, on or after November 7, 2016.
B. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using a standard chauffeur's license issued before, on or after November 7, 2016.
C. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using an enhanced operator's license issued before, on or after November 7, 2016.
D. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using an enhanced chauffeur's license issued before, on or after November 7, 2016.
E. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using a commercial operator's license issued before, on or after November 7, 2016.
F. A driver operating a motor vehicle and using any type of license issued by any other U.S. State, U.S. territory, or foreign jurisdiction which these statutes permit to be used to lawfully operate a motor vehicle in this State.
The legislature finds that in excess of thirty thousand rapes, seventy thousand assaults, and ten thousand incidences of aggressive vehicular action have occurred in the past year, creating a climate of fear among vulnerable women, ethnic minorities, transgender individuals, and all other residents of this U.S. State and of other U.S. states and territories, and foreign countries, which have or are or may operate a motor vehicle in this State.
23-16105. Right of Defense
A driver who becomes aware of an obstruction which may or which appears to potentially later threaten the driver, and which appears to be intentional, is broadly granted the right to an affirmative defense in the form of any of the following actions:
A. Not stopping or slowing or altering the course of a vehicle in order to avoid damage to the obstruction.
B. Increasing the speed or adjusting the angle of approach of a vehicle in order to more effectively remove or penetrate the obstruction.
C. Exiting the roadway, where safe and appropriate, in order to bypass the obstruction, provided that this § 23-16105(C) may not be construed as to restrict either of the rights described in §§ 23-16105(A)-(B), and may not be construed so as to require any affirmative duty to make or attempt to bypass an obstruction rather than taking any other action described in this chapter.
23-16106. Denial of Claims
Civil or criminal claims, at law or at equity, arising against a driver or drivers under any other provision in these statutes shall be deemed not actionable. Any agent of government is barred from pursuing or suggesting such a claim. Any judge or judicial officer who entertains or permits to proceed such a claim shall be removed from office, and shall, by having entertained such an action, be deemed to have affirmatively and irrevocably disclaimed that judge's or judicial officer's interest in any pension plan, health care plan, retirement benefit plan, security plan, transportation plan, or any other benefit which the judge or judicial officer has become eligible for, or will become eligible for, due to his or her position as a judge or judicial officer, whether vested or non-vested. This affirmative disclaimer shall apply to the judge or judicial officer, as well as to any spouse, devisee, heir-at-law, creditor, or other party having an interest in said benefit.
Any prosecutor presented with a criminal claim against a driver acting under this chapter shall dismiss the claim, citing this chapter, provided the prosecutor determines that an obstruction did occur and the driver has provided testimony or sworn affidavit of the perceived threat.
In the event such a claim is adjudicated actionable by any federal body, then this chapter shall serve as an affirmative defense to the driver.
23-16107. Penalties for Obstruction
Any person determined to have intentionally produced an obstruction and/or a threat under this chapter shall be criminally liable for assault under chapter ______ of these statutes. Any person determined to have negligently produced an obstruction and/or a threat, or determined to have intentionally produced an obstruction and/or a threat, under this chapter, shall be civilly liable for damages to the threatened driver's motor vehicle, bodily injuries or stresses, and emotional well being, or to the physical or emotional well being of any of the driver's passengers.
Any obstructing person shall be deemed ineligible for any current or future form of state assistance provided by these statutes or by any other executive or regulatory agency of this State. In addition, any obstructing person shall, for the purposes of eligibility for all State and/or federal benefits of any kind whatsoever, be deemed to be receiving an annual salary of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars ($250,000.00), and to not be a member of any protected group or class, for the duration of such obstructing person's lifetime.
Upon the designation of any person as an obstructing person under this chapter, the State Department of Revenue shall promptly contact all State and federal agencies which have, are, or might later provide benefits of any kind to such obstructing person, and inform them of said obstructing person's statutory ineligibility.
The State Comptroller shall, through yearly publication, amend the purported salary of such obstructing persons under this § 23-16107, indexing such purported salary to inflation and/or any other standard established by a federal agency, in order to ensure the obstructing person's consistent and enduring ineligibility for federal benefits of any kind.
Should a federal agency disregard this chapter and provide federal benefits to an obstructing person or a member of an obstructing person's household, then the obstructing person shall be immediately liable to this State in the amount of the fair market value of such benefit, and the sheriff of the County in which the obstructing person resides shall promptly seize any assets then owned by said obstructing person or a member of said obstructing person's household, or any third party to whom the obstructing person may have transferred such assets in anticipation of the consequences of this chapter, whether such assets are in the form of cash, tangible personal property, any and all physical or electronic designations of payment, or discount eligibilities.
Liabilities incurred by obstructing persons under this chapter shall be nondischargeable in bankruptcy.