What's the cool new thing? Oh yeah, climate change, the teevee says to talk about climate change. I suddenly had someone mention that in a conversation, and it became apparent during the course of the conversation that the new thing to argue about is climate change. And yes, it was supposed to be Waterworld by the Year of Moving Goalposts (which falls somewhere after the Year of the Monkey and before the Year of the Dragon), and it never was, but Neil deGrasse Tyson says, and sure enough there it was on the NuTV, the internet, telling us all what to sound in about. X handgun deaths a year, but yeah, that doesn't take into account crimes prevented, ladida, let's all recite our talking points, so the changes are minute and dissent is stifled and how is Antarctica supposed to melt if it changes from -27° to -22°, isn't the latter still, like, cold enough for ice cubes?
We'd all take mass transportation if we could, but we can't talk about cleaning up mass transportation by making it safer for homos and women and the disabled and the elderly to travel alone, because that would have a disparate impact on Africans and, to a lesser extent but still a noticeable extent, Hispanics, therefore we need to maintain personal automobiles at any cost, therefore an international credit trading system backed up by military force. The next time I was forced into conversation with someone I discovered that climate change was still the preferred issue of the day, even though it was already the next day, so I pulled out my old saw, "The biggest single carbon producing entity in the world is the U.S. military, so how about we stop invading places for Israel?" And since I was on a roll, I tried, "Also, depleted uranium is lots worse than extra carbon, particularly since carbon feeds trees while depleted uranium kills them and turns babies into half-headed mutants." But of course, that bounces right off of CNN, since the climate is going to kill us all in the next 50 years, therefore we absolutely must curb gas mileage and create carbon trading credits, but it is positively impossible to consider not sending several aircraft carrier groups to carbonize the atmosphere while uraniuming the Middle East again. Fuck, it's already uraniumized enough, you've made your point, you've created 300 years worth of infant Arab mutants who can later be blamed on anything except Israel. Militarism is a conspiracy theory, geology is a conspiracy theory, but the sky is falling now so stop eating and building shelter you greedy assholes.
And then Alan Rickman died, and everyone was posting their sadness about it. Talk about white privilege; I'm trying to say, "Let's not murder more Somalis please, it's expensive," and they're all too busy lamenting the rich WASP and promoting Ethiopia v. Somalia to consider the irony of how murdering a hundred K darkies is way more immoral than a private e-mail server or pussy jokes.
At least money is going well. I've been selling health mix and my latest book on elevator game. The secret is, break wind at every floor, and she'll love you for your confidence. Chicks dig confidence like voters dig confidence, and as a master strategist, I can assure you that my attempt to attach myself to the latest successful product offering is not an act indicative of the graceless void which is my soul, but rather, advanced psychomarxapitalitsu, moves within moves, abstracts of summarized condensation, like a nesting doll with a clotted stab wound where the face should be.