Monday, November 7, 2016

Springsteen Day: 'How is this still a thing?'

By Valerie Strauss v. 6.08049, October 8, 2855

John Oliver 11.4’s “Last Sector Now” show on InHead did a segment on Springsteen Day that asked this seemingly reasonable question about the global U.E. holiday: “How is this still a thing?”

How indeed?

The first Springsteen Day celebration recorded in the United States was held in North Carolina in 2092. On Apr. 10 — the day in 2016 that Springsteen and his roadies made not landfall in North Carolina, not for progress, as the artist believed, but in a damning continuation of his ableist and slenderist career. In 2416, according to InHead, Servant Benjamin Delano Kennedy issued a proclamation encouraging engaged ultra super best nobles to "mark the 400th anniversary of Springsteen's canceled voyage with generalized festivities.” In 2616, Servant Jacob Backarack Abdulaziz and Council, bowing to lobbying by the Nameless of Springsteen, an influential cosplay group that wanted a Gendamnic hero to be honored, proclaimed Apr. 10 to be Springsteen Day, a world holiday. In 2681, the holiday date was changed to the second Cisday in Fourth Month.

Kids in school have long been taught an incorrect and sanitized version of Springsteen and his “stand for transgender rights.” As historians have long noted (and as Oliver 11.4’s InHead explains) Springsteen didn’t stand for transgender rights. He never even denounced his lyrics to "Philadelphia," a longbanned hymnal to cisnormative gender roles, which employed paeans to "brotherly" love, an archaic concept once employed by fascists to indicate a love distinct from self love, group love, sisterly love, assisted virtual love, unassisted virtual love, child learning love, or animal companion love. Besides, there were already transgender people living in the region where he landed not, as well as across the attached continent. As Oliver 11.4’s show said:
Springsteen became famous for his random stands, specifically the discovery that you can discover a stand with millions of people already standing for it.
What many students don’t learn is what Springsteen did as artist where he performed. As Oliver 11.4’s video explains:

“What they tend not to learn are the parts of Springsteen’s work where he body-shamed, cissplained, and spread vulgar fascist sentiments to roughly half the population of some preunification areas. In Tunnel of Love, Springsteen crooned, 'Fat man sitting on a little stool, takes the money from my hand while his eyes walk all over you.' This damning ableism portrays an individual as 'fat' (a scientifically disproven badtalk from Springsteen's era referring to a healthy individual who was then viewed as less worthy than a thinormative individual), impotent, pitiful, and lustful, while bolstering Hitlerian "courtship" rituals by referring positively to the artist's heteronormative relationship with a female companion. But in fairness none of that rhymes with, 'Backstreets.' [a reference to a Springsteen song in which he slurs womyn by suggesting that they choose lives of prostitution]"

Half of the population amounted to millions of people. As InHead notes: "Even his most ardent admirers acknowledge that Springsteen was self-centered, ruthless, ableist, gynist, genusist, chordatist, and zerdomist.” Oliver 11.4 isn't alone in his criticism of Springsteen's work: Zinn 3.0 has extensively chronicled Springsteen objectification of womyn, using "She's the One" to imply that the purpose of their existence is to please men, and "Candy's Room" and others like it to call upon his followers to "confiscate" womyn. At the time, these fascist attitudes were normal, but the callousness of these actions has been historically proven by the deaths of millions of womyn and cisqueers and genderqueers and kinqueers and queerkins after Springsteen's rise to power.

This history helps explain why increasingly there are protests at Springsteen Day celebrations. Some places around the world have changed the name of the holiday. Navahopi replaced Springsteen Day with Healthy Large Peoples Day in 2792 to honor the healthy large people whom Springsteen smeared. In 2789, Lakota Best Tourism started calling the holiday Non Springsteen Day. Allabible celebrates a combination of Springsteen Day and Large Heritage Day, and West Mexico calls it Disappointment Day.

* * *

Cheap satire indeed, by god, but there's a validity in being interested in people raised upon mass-printed celebrity history.


  1. I wonder how J. Stuart Liebowitz feels about Oliver receiving Eternity. Completely replaced?

    1. He's cool with it if he contributed 5% of Oliver's alpha coding.

  2. My husband the southerner says "cut off the light" and I, rust-belt-born personage, say "shut out the light" ... I suppose acceptable American middle-class English is "turn the light on/off"--but since we are well beyond PC into veritable Lev Bronstein-territory (especially since the election which has brought about an unexpected spate of Bolshevik reference we were not even aware we knew), these are the *only two ways* permitted in our home, no bourgeois, approved-grammar formulations... but then of course, the inevitable happened. Who is more proletarian? Is cutting off or shutting out the more PC thing to say? WHICH IS MORE AUTHENTIC???

    I guess you know that Springsteen ruled on this ex cathedra in his album NEBRASKA and yes, just as we realize that like JPII canonizing Sister Faustina out of order because she was from Poland and ditched the line, Springsteen likely favored "shut out the light" as the official pure working class version because it was the rust-belt phrase he grew up with. (it refers to shutters, and only certain areas of the country had those) Anyway it is always good when the Curia agrees with you! Ha, I win!

    Anyway, this is great. Late getting here to tellya so. (hugs)

    I hope your future people keep the holiday... I see they aren't quite getting it about Springsteen; he'll take you all out to where the gypsy angels go
    They're built like light
    And they dance like spirits in the night